There are so many complicated emotions in grief. Other than acknowledging your pain, it’s hard to make sense of them. That’s where dreams come in. These grief-related dreams are like stepping into a science fiction movie where people you know are in the lead roles. Dreams about the person you’ve lost are either very welcome or disturbing, depending on the dream.

When we talked about dreams in grief group, there were a few people who never dreamt of their loved one. They were jealous of our dreams, and wondered why some of us experienced these dreams when they didn’t. Maybe there is no reason for it. Maybe they had the dreams and didn’t remember them. Maybe they weren’t receptive to it for some religious reason or fear. I don’t know but if you’re not having these dreams, try not to worry about it. It may be your mind’s way of protecting you from further pain.

I had many dreams of my late husband. Early on, they were usually happy dreams because it felt like a visit from this person I missed so very much. In the dreams, he was usually glad to see me too. But then in time, the dreams changed and they were not always pleasant. In one, we were sitting together watching television when he abruptly changed the channel. I was mad because I wanted to continue but he just moved on to something else. I went to another room to find it but I couldn’t. This dream reflected the sad state of our changed relationship. He had moved on to something different, and I was still trying to find what we had, still clinging to what was lost.

There were many dreams like this and they just seemed to amplify the reality of my changed life. The dreams were redundant, and I didn’t understand why I needed them. On one hand, it was nice to at least see him appear. But it always ended with him leaving and me staying behind. This was something I didn’t need a reminder of.

But maybe these dreams helped me to process my grief in some way. My mind’s unconscious was pointing out the obvious situation that caused my suffering in a way I didn’t think of during the day. My rational mind was very aware of his death and all the permanence that came with it, but I omitted the illogical feeling that he had chosen this. He hadn’t. But being left behind with all the pain and problems to face on my own sometimes felt like he’d left by choice. It was a trick of the mind I didn’t acknowledge except in my dreams.

If you’re dreaming of your lost loved one in a way that’s unpleasant, see if you can make sense of it. The dreams may stop once you let your illogical mind get the attention it wants. And if you’re having pleasant dreams, let them serve as an escape from all that’s difficult in your waking life. Either way, share them with others in grief. We help each other by knowing our experiences are common and a part of this process. May you find peace in your dreams.

More:

What To Do With Belongings When Someone You Love Dies

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