Once I accepted the initial shock of my late husband’s death, I wanted to know how long I’d have to endure the miserable suffering of grief. The emotions I experienced then were the most painful of anything I’d felt before and I wasn’t sure I could survive it. I asked every experienced griever I met how she was doing and what I could expect. No one wanted to answer me except those who’d had no real grief experience. The uninitiated usually suggested it would take a year before my grief would be cured. Most of us who’ve passed the magical one-year mark know that’s not true.

Now when I meet those new to grief, I tell them that, for me, there was a big change at the two-year anniversary of his death. I’m often corrected with the reminder that “It’s different for everyone.” Of course it is, but I didn’t want to know how it was for everyone. I wanted real examples from real people so I could have a reference point. It gave me something to hold onto other than an interminable dark future.

Some grievers I met right after his death struggled much longer than my two years. I suspect that beginning a new relationship and a different life helped me tremendously. Wherever you are in your grief timeline, try not to rush it. Rushing brings self-judgment and frustration. If you’re doing all you can, you’ll get through the worst of it eventually. The sharp stabs of shock and grief will dull to more of a thud. That may not sound like much of a difference but it’s enough change to lead you back to living again. Wherever you are in the process, you are better today than you were on the first day, even if you can’t quite see your progress. When you doubt your ability to handle this grief experience, remember that millions of sad grievers before you have walked this path successfully. So can you.