When grief was new to me, a mental health professional I met at the hospital advised me that there were many “secondary losses” I’d yet to encounter. I’m not sure why people tell you things like this when your world has just fallen apart because, while it’s true, it’s not helpful to know it ahead of time. It felt a little like being kicked once I’d already fallen. It was too much information, and it just added to my fears.

There does come a time in your grief process when you’ll be a little better able to prepare for some of these secondary losses. That time happens when you’ve settled into acceptance and the initial shock of the loss has passed. Then these secondary losses become evident, and it’s time to assess your situation. Make a list of the things you can think of that were lost after your person died that now become your responsibility. Here are a few of the roles you may need to make new arrangements for:

• Emergency contact

• Additional income

• Caretaker: children, pets, you

• Homelife: handy-person, cook, housekeeper, driver, bookkeeper

• Companion

• Mechanic

• Protector

The types of secondary loss you’ll experience will differ depending on the relationship you lost. Some of these things may seem trivial, but these losses can hit you harder than you’d expect in an already-fragile state. Your world has turned inside out, and you are not in your best mental state to prepare for the demands of life that continue to fall upon you. Having a plan before you need it can lighten your mental burden somewhat.

Things can continue to go wrong, even when you deserve a reprieve. I remember the shock of being asked for an emergency contact and realizing I no longer had one. Another time, my car completely stopped functioning while I was driving, and I sat on a rural road for four hours trying to figure out how to get help. Neither of these problems was anywhere near as bad as losing a husband, but they made life harder. I figured out who to list for a contact (my pet sitter, who was local but knew my far-off family contacts), and who to call when I needed a ride home in my rural community (I secured a neighbor’s number). Having this information ready ahead of time is a way of taking care of yourself in what can be a tumultuous time. There’s much you can’t do, but that won’t stop you from doing what you can. Take care.

Are you struggling with your loved one’s belongings?