When you are part of a couple without children, your family can seem quite small compared to others. But when one of you dies, you realize how large your family of two really was. This is how perspective twists your awareness to suit the struggle you’re having at the moment. It also keeps you looking out to comparisons that create a sense of deficiency in your life.
At first your family of two seemed lacking compared to neighbors with children. You were looking out and feeling small. Then your partner disappears and you’re alone seeing couples holding hands everywhere. You’re looking out and feeling alone. It’s the couples who create this comparison now more than the families with children because they fit more precisely with your new perspective.
There is, of course, some truth to this. It is perfectly honest, and even common, to be on the lookout for something you want that’s not a part of your life. And I’m not about to suggest that there’s any reason you should stop wishing your person was still here. But how does this perspective affect your emotional state? Is it serving you in any way? Probably not.
What, then, can be done about it? Because grief arrives in a package filled with horribly painful feelings. They will fly out of your grief box faster and harder than any logic you can muster. So while you’re battling the storm, I’m wondering about the smaller things you can do to create calm and peace in your inner world. This is one of those small things.
Notice when you’re comparing yourself to others. Notice when you’re comparing now to before. Notice when you’re projecting into the future in some horrible way that may not ever happen. These are all ways we torture ourselves emotionally. It’s our brain’s way of protecting us, always looking for trouble, which leads to upsetting thoughts, which leads to sad feelings, which leads to unhelpful actions.
Look for what is right in your life even amidst all that’s wrong. Try turning this comparison tactic on its side in a way where you come out on top. It doesn’t take much, actually. Are some of your basic needs met? Maybe most or all of them are. Maybe you have an abundance in some part of your life. That’s the kind of perspective that encourages peace inside. Peace grows with a little nurturing. Yes, grief sucks and you can’t just make it go away. But you can tidy up around the outside of your grief box so there’s room for things to come out a little at a time where you can let them go eventually. Don’t pile pain on top of pain. Let your perspective work in a way that feels good. You can do this.
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