I discovered that dating when you’re widowed puts you in an especially-attractive category to scammers. Today, it’s more widely understood that scammers exist everywhere, including the dating pool. But something else I discovered was that most of them are pretty bad at it. So if you want to date, you’re grieving, and possibly widowed, it’s good to prepare yourself so you can spot the scammers easily and continue your search for a good match. It can also be really hard to take the first step to exploring dating. Don’t let the scammers become another reason to keep you away from the good dating pool (and yes, there is one).
SCAMMERS
Profiles—
Photos tend to be of extremely good looking people
An out-of-country scammer who is pretending to be nearby will pick an area just slightly out of your range -- maybe an hour’s drive
For some reason, there are a lot of male scammers who pretend to be officials in the U.S. military
In your own profile, don’t give away all the answers. If you say that honesty is really important to you, they’ll know to tell you that it is to them too. Let them reveal themselves.
Early Signs—
If they are avoiding talking to you on the telephone, maybe they’re hiding an accent, or their age, or a roomful of call center workers in the background
If they are avoiding meeting you in person, there’s usually a bad reason for it
Look out for early conversations that hint at questions about your financial status
Your Vulnerability—
Scammers are looking for widowed people precisely because they know you’re vulnerable. They think you’ll be an easy mark because you’re desperate to feel cared for again. Widowed people are also presumed to have more financial resources (even though this often isn’t true), and that makes you attractive too.
But your vulnerability to grief does not make you foolish. It’s okay to notice that you want a good relationship, but it’s not okay to pretend that’s what you have. You’re only vulnerable to a scammer if you play along with it. When you see the truth, the feelings you thought you had no longer count. Move on to the next possibility. That’s how you stay safe, by remaining in control.
Bottom Line—
The minute you’re asked for money, or to send something of value, or to help or save them in some way, your suspicions have been confirmed and it’s time to end all contact—even if your feelings are involved.
INSECURITIES
Rejection—
Everyone who dates gets rejected so expect it to happen, and move on quickly when it does. You may be ghosted (all communication stops for no reason), or your initial communications will get no response. All you need to know is that this is not the person for you. Don’t make assumptions about why you were rejected (projecting your insecurities out into the internet). And don’t be afraid to be the first one to reach out. Keep going.
Age—
Whatever your age, it’s the right age to date. There is someone suitable for you. Don’t use age as an excuse not to look.
Bottom Line—
Don’t go in with a chip on your shoulder (I’m too old, all the good ones are taken, they all want someone younger or cuter, I don’t want anyone to see me naked). If the only reason you’re not dating is because of fear or insecurity, then you should try it anyway. If you’re fearful or insecure, dating won’t create those emotions because they already exist, but it could help you move out of them.
If you choose not to date, that’s fine too. But if you do want to try and have yet to explore Internet dating, there are some plusses to it. You know right away that they’re also looking, and their profile will reveal things that may be important to you, such as interests, family, tastes, etc. Dating online also makes you privy to a larger pool of people.
Part of getting through grief involves living life more fully again. Dating can be a good place to do this. Good luck. And if it goes miserably, or exceedingly well, please do share your stories with us.
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